The Quiet Love That Sustains Marriage Featuring: C.S. Lewis.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:9-10. (Christian Standard Bible).

I was kind of a nerdy kid in sixth grade. I sported some atrocious glasses and hadn’t yet developed any sort of athletic aptitude. Growing up, I loved to read, collect baseball cards, play in the woods, and other normal boy things, but in sixth grade, something new caught my eye: girls. Specifically, one girl in particular, and I fell head over heels for her. It just so happened that this awakening occurred a few weeks before my birthday, and when my parents informed me that I could invite a friend along for my birthday dinner, a fiendishly clever plan formed in my mind. Instead of one of my grubby guy friends, I would invite Laura. Brilliant! There was only one problem, which was the fact that I was far too much of a coward to invite her to come to my birthday dinner. As I pondered my options, a far less clever plan presented itself: ask my mom to call Laura’s mom! Somehow, I persuaded mom to call her mom, and the three minutes that phone call lasted were the most nerve-wracking minutes of my life up until that point. While my mom talked, I hid myself around the corner and listened intently to the conversation. I literally had every finger on my hands crossed, and maybe a few toes too. My face was on the ground and I was praying as hard as I knew how to pray. Amazingly, her mom said yes, and we had an epic “date” where I accidentally knocked a freshly sliced piece of steak into Laura’s lap and promptly reacquired it straight from her lap with my fork! Smooth as silk. I was intensely in “love” with Laura for about a month or so, and then we just kind of…faded, I guess. I remember my feelings being very intense in that situation but remarkably shallow; a clear example of puppy love and also an illustration that demonstrates that intensity of feeling doesn’t always lead to durability. Puppy love is a sprint that leaves you out of breath. Marriage is different – much more of a marathon.

Here are some great insights from Mere Christianity in which C.S. Lewis writes about the kind of googly-eyed, flashy “falling in love,” that is characteristic of new couples vs. the far more genuine kind of love (A quieter love) which sustains relationships that go the distance:

If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from ‘being in love’—is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it^[1]

            Lewis has nailed it here. Marriage is not meant to be transient and temporary but eternal, and thus the love of marriage must be fueled by solid and durable fuel, not some emotionally charged flash in the pan kind of fuel. In biblical terms, love is not a passionate feeling that has you down on your knees with all your fingers crossed hoping that she says yes; love is an unfailing commitment that is characterized by the following qualities:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, CSB).

Love is, as the old rock song claims, much more than a feeling. It is a sincere and unfailing devotion to another characterized by patience, kindness, hopefulness, perseverance, and protection. Love knows nothing of envy, boastfulness, or arrogance. If you find that the ‘love’ in your marriage is not the same kind of love that is described in 1 Corinthians 13, don’t despair, you are not alone. Don’t be complacent either! Biblical love, as described by Paul, is the only kind of fuel that will sustain a healthy marriage for the duration. If you find your marriage is lacking in biblical love, here are three quick steps you can take to help:

1. Pray. Sounds simple, right? And it is simple. When you pray for biblical love to manifest in your marriage, you can be certain that you are praying for God’s will to be done, and you can be certain that He will hear your prayer and act on it. (1 John 5:14-15, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.”) (CSB).
2. Before you ask your spouse to show YOU the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13, endeavor to demonstrate that kind of love to them first. You might be surprised to find that biblical love is contagious!
3. Ask your spouse to pray with you about your marriage. Don’t browbeat them, or nag, but simply and graciously ask them to join you in praying. If they aren’t willing – yet – you keep praying and ask God to make them willing.

If the above steps don’t help, or you find yourself or your marriage needing counseling, please don’t hesitate to contact us – we are here to help!

^[1] C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: HarperOne, 2001), 109.